Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
The honesty is refreshing
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
i think we should see other cousins
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”