calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 馃檨
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Spider-cat: No One Home
Some of us better hope Santa doesn鈥檛 check Twitter because if he does all we鈥檙e getting for Christmas is therapy.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it鈥檚 7am, why didn鈥檛 you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Kill me once, shame on you. That鈥檚 pretty much it.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This鈥檒l either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that鈥檚 absolutely the most unhinged
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 馃槝
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Noah was an idiot.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
That photo you鈥檝e seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don鈥檛 know. (Covers dog鈥檚 ears) She鈥檚 adopted.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I鈥檝e never been married, but I tell people I鈥檓 divorced so they won鈥檛 think something is wrong with me.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that鈥檚 why most people never start a successful business
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins