My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.