My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
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What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!