If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
You Might Also Like
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]