Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.