A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.