I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.