I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
$4 #usedbooks
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink