Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“I’m helping” 😅
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want