Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad