vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami