church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.