You Might Also Like
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Choose your fighter
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17