If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
giddy up Office Depot
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
This is why I hate group projects
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69