Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
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I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Wait a second…
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much