Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.