Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!