What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.