Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
i’m laughing very hard in real life
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk