I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.