Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal