[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
😅😅😅
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me