Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.