Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.