[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*