9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”