Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
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[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
This squirrel eats better than I do
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours