[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.