On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
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Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
where the womens at?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes