Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
the last thing a carrot sees
It has been 3 years since Monday.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.