[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
You Might Also Like
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I’m confused about plants
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips