Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like