FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!