*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
You Might Also Like
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.