Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
huge if true: the moon
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*limbos under the caution tape
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.