[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
You Might Also Like
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah