The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business