My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.