In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!