I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.