I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Based Erika