I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
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If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there