being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.