7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
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[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
shut up and take my money
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
absolutely not
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.