Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles