When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
You Might Also Like
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!