I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.