What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago