[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You Might Also Like
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
When someone says you are so lazy
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?